Aldan came to my room this morning and had me to follow him to the kitchen. When I walked down the narrow stairway, I could see the family sitting around the small table. Something was wrong. Finnr wouldn’t even look at me, and Halla kept fidgeting with her hands. I felt sick. The silence was deafening. I tried to imagine a scenario where anything good was about to happen, but I couldn’t. After what felt like an eternity, Aldan let out a sigh.
It turns out Finnr wants me to leave. He’s concerned about food and he’s worried about having to support an extra person. I get it. I don’t want to get it, but it’s hard for me to argue. I’ve been so focused on getting home that I didn’t stop to think that I was a burden to anyone else. All I’ve done is mope around feeling sorry for myself, unaware that those around me were feeling anything at all.
It’s obvious to me now. I could see it in their eyes, like the woman in the car. They’re terrified. I offered them more money, but they turned it down. Aldan said it wasn’t about the money. I felt my face turn red immediately. Embarrassed that I thought money could fix everything.
After our meeting, Halla pulled me aside. In broken English, she told me that the neighbors had agreed to loan Finnr their car to take me to Reykjavík in a couple days. I somehow managed to respond with “sounds good”, despite being a complete wreck on the inside. I didn’t want everyone to see me have a meltdown so I went back upstairs to process things.
I curled up under the blankets and let my mind explore my emotions. They were difficult to discern. My mind sifted through an infinite number of thoughts all at once. I couldn’t pin point anything specific. I sat up in bed and started to breathe. I listened to the air flow through me.
I’m scared. More than anything else, I’m scared. I’m scared of the uncertainty. Of not knowing if I’ll ever see my family again, if they’re even alive. Not knowing if I’ll get home and Oki will want a divorce, or what I’ll do if I get to Reykjavik and it’s a pile of ash. I’m scared that I’m going to die here, alone. Buried and forgotten, like a dream after you wake up. I don’t want to be forgotten. It fills me with dread.