Last night, I heard the family arguing. No raised voices or anything, but I could tell it was a heated discussion. It was like the subdued arguments my parents used to have downstairs when they thought I was asleep. There was never any yelling, but I could feel the animosity. They thought they were doing me a favor by staying together. That’s what they were taught. The family unit must remain intact at all costs. I hated them for it. I hated myself even more. My existence was the reason they were so miserable.
I’ve never talked to Oki about this. I don’t think it would go over well. Nobody wants to accept that “til death do us part” has an asterisk in front of it, even if it’s generally understood. What happens when you’re not happy anymore? How long do you have to try and force it? There’s a fine line between sticking It out and knowing when to quit. Sometimes I’m unsure which side of the line I’m on.
I love Oki, more than anyone, but I’m not the type of person to think she’s the only one I could be happy with. She’s the only one I want to be happy with. People change though. I wouldn’t hold on to a doomed relationship for Azami’s sake. Especially if it made things more miserable at home. I’m not lazy. I understand the value of hard work in a relationship, but at some point, you reach a limit. I’m unsure of where that limit is.
Growing up, I was a romantic. I fell in love at 12. We met in a closet at a birthday party and she broke up with me a week later. I was heartbroken. This cycle continued into my 20’s until one day, I decided I was a realist. It wasn’t until my early 30’s that I realized I was selfish. I say “realized” like it was some epiphany, but it took years of therapy to get to that point. It’s something that I still struggle with. Even knowing I’m selfish, I sometimes discount Oki when she points it out. Why is it so much easier to hear truth from a complete stranger than your best friend?
I need to go home. The longer I’m here, the further away I feel, as if I’m in a hurricane, pushed out to sea in life raft with no oars. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to wake up and find that the storm has passed and I’m adrift, resigned to being alone. I need to go home.