A cold chill has taken hold of the darkness that surrounds me. I exhale, gripping the net as I pull it from the abyss. My breath drifts upward, rising toward whatever lies beyond. The warm summer nights when sun would set the sky on fire for hours are gone. Replaced by days reminiscent to my former life; Racing to the park to catch the last vestiges of summer. Wrapped in a blanket, laying on the grass, staring up at the clouds. The sound of Azami laughing echoes through my consciousness. How long I can hold on. Slow methodical breaths drown out the universe and for a brief moment, I forget who I am.
A shout from the front of the boat brings me reeling back to earth. My back muscles strain as I crane my neck to see, but it’s clear that the fish can wait. I loop the net over a hook to keep it from sliding back into the ocean and run to the bow.
Dark objects litter the ocean before us, glistening in the moonlight. I stand motionless, trying to figure out what they are. After a few seconds, Aldan walks over to the side of the boat and grabs two long poles, handing me one. “growlers” he says. A moment later and I understand. We’re surrounded a field of small icebergs bobbing up and down. We stand on each side of the bow, pushing them to the side as we make our way through the minefield. After more than two hours of work, the growlers disappear behind us as we make our way back to shore.
After work, I crawl into bed, worrying about the long and lonely winter nights that lie ahead. I drift in an out, blurring the lines between what is real and what is my imagination. I can feel the warmth of Oki next to me. Her face nestled into the curve of my neck, whispering calm words that sooth even the most troubled heart. “I love you”, she says. “I know”, I respond. It’s a joke that only she would understand as the depth of my love for her could never be put into words.
Maybe that was the problem.
My thoughts turn dark as the crescent moon shines through the window, illuminating the wall to my right. A water stain in the upper corner of the room reaches down toward the floor like a stalactite. Peeled wallpaper dissects where heaven and earth meet. I am all alone in a quiet house, contemplating fate and wondering if I could ever take my own life. In the darkness it feels easier.
The feeling passes.
It has passed.
Anna and I have been spending most of what little free time we have together. I hate myself for it. I spent months trying to ignore the reality of my situation. Yet I can’t imagine living a life without companionship. It’s something all humans desire at the most basic level. I know she can see how conflicted I am and I hope she understands. I will always love Oki. How could I not? I thought we would be together until the end, but the end came in a way that neither of us could predict. The hard part is knowing whether it’s the end.
Over the last several weeks Finnr has taken more time off, although he’s not sick anymore. It’s clear that his age is catching up to him. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn’t make it through the winter. It wouldn't surprise me if I didn’t make it through the winter either, so that doesn't say much. Since Finnr has been staying home, Aldan and I have spent quite a bit of time together out on the boat. I’ve grown to care for him in the way a father cares for his own son. In this instance the son teaches everything he knows to the father, and all the father can do is listen.
He’s a good kid. Most teenagers his age are insufferable twats. At least the ones that used to live in my neighborhood were. It’s no longer a mystery why he hated me when I first got here. I treated him like a child. Underestimating him at every step of the way. It must have been difficult for him. Feeling talked down to all the time. My ego didn’t match my experience. It wasn’t until I started working on the boat that I realized how much knowledge he had to offer.
It must have been difficult growing up in Iceland, at least out in the country. Forced to take responsibility at an early age. Like growing up on a farm anywhere else in the world, I guess; Early mornings. Late nights. Manual labor. Always work to do. My upbringing was so foreign. It's laughable. I had no challenges, outside of do your homework, don't be late. My parents handed me everything. It's the life that I had, but only because I didn't know any better. Now I know better.