So much has happened in the last few weeks. More than I care mention. Our stretch of good weather ended after my last entry. It was mid-morning and we’d been dropping nets for a couple hours when Finnr came to the back and pulled Aldan aside. I didn’t think much of it but stopped when I noticed the two of them pointing at some ominous clouds to the north. A few minutes later, Aldan told me to start pulling the nets I had dropped. I was kind of annoyed, but when I noticed that Finnr’s tempo had picked up, I felt like my annoyance would have to wait.
About an hour later, the clouds to the north had transformed into a nightmarish wall that towered over us blocking the sun. As soon as Aldan and I finished pulling in the last of the nets, Finnr pointed us toward town. Shortly after, the storm hit us.
Freezing rain pushed down from the arctic and pummeled the boat with winds well over 100 kilometers an hour. The air crackled with electricity. I grabbed a railing to steady myself from the hurricane force winds, but Aldan yelled at me not touch any metal. I looked around for anything to hold on to. Before I could move, lightning struck so close that I could feel the shockwave. The thunder clap was instantaneous. My ears were ringing. Finnr screamed. It took me a second to realize that he was screaming from excitement, not because he was hurt. I dropped to the floor to keep from getting tossed overboard. Never in my wildest dreams had I envisioned experiencing a storm quite like this. Whatever confidence I had during the previous week was gone. Swept overboard as waves washed over the deck.
We rode the storm out for what seemed like an eternity. Aldan and I huddled under what little shelter we could find, shivering, while Finnr stood at the helm. At one point, he turned and looked at us. For a brief moment I thought I saw a smile creep across his face, but with the next barrage of waves, it was gone. Overwhelming thoughts circled and I retched onto the deck in front of me.
Hours later, the storm broke and the sun illuminated the last drops of rain as they fell back into the ocean. A partial rainbow appeared off in the distance. Aldan stood up and let out a primal scream, arms outstretched, shouting toward the heavens. I choked out a laugh through a few silent tears of relief. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Finnr looking back, watching me, his eyes boring into my thoughts and fears. I pretended not to notice and fiddled around with one of the nets lying next to me. I looked back at him, but he had already turned around. I crawled over to the side of the boat and dry heaved. I was exhausted.
The days that followed are a blur; work, eat, try to sleep. Over and over. Day after day.
I’m tired.
I write about days as if they hold meaning. But how can you describe the passage of time that has neither beginning nor ending? The concept of organizing chaos seems foolish. Like the lies you’re taught as a child because your innocence isn’t capable of handling the truth. Each time I close my eyes, an eternity passes, as if my whole life exists in that brief moment. And at the end of my life, I open my eyes and I’m still here.
Most nights I lie awake, staring at a blank ceiling while my mind plays tricks on me. I hear voices in my head crying out, and even though I know they’re not real, I get up and look around to be sure.
Last night was especially difficult. My ritual of insomnia continued, and after a while I got up to use the bathroom. The sun was below the horizon even though it was the middle of the night. Dim light filtered in through a small window. I stared at my face in the mirror. My eyes adjusted to the darkness. I hardly even recognized myself. For a moment, I could see Azami’s face in my own, or at least I thought it was hers. The image of my family that I carry in my head feels like it’s fading away, replaced with silhouettes. I went back to bed, laid down and cried into my pillow.
When I finally fell asleep, I found myself underwater looking up at Finnr’s boat at the surface. Beneath me was an infinite abyss, filled with whatever monsters lurked in the deep. I tried clawing my way to the surface, but it was futile. The more I thrashed about, the more I sank. The darker it became, until the light above me narrowed to a single point, like a lone star on a cloudy night. Even that disappeared and I was no longer underwater. I was floating in space, surrounded by loneliness, and in the darkness I heard Oki cry out. It was unintelligible at first, a whisper. As it got louder it became my name. The whisper became a scream so loud that I awoke with a feeling of dread that I couldn’t shake for a few hours.
It’s a bit unnerving being aware of my own descent toward madness. Like watching your own life play out in front of you, unable to make choices. Forced to sit and watch as everything falls apart. Maybe it’s time to accept my fate.