There was a double suicide in town yesterday. A couple in their early 70s were found decomposing in their bed. It most likely didn’t happen yesterday; they were found yesterday. I didn’t hear all the details, but Aldan said it definitely wasn’t an accident. They were both supposed to be out fishing, but someone noticed their boat hadn’t moved in a few days. I didn’t hear about any of this until dinner yesterday, but I figured something was wrong earlier when I heard yelling outside. Most of the time it’s someone who has had too much to drink stumbling down the main road, shouting into the wind. This caught me by surprise.
I’m not sure how I feel.
A couple nights a week, I’d walk by their home on my way down to the coast. I’d see them out on their porch together. We knew each other only as strangers. They seemed happy, or at the very least, content. I guess It’s a good reminder that someone can appear to be doing well and still be a total wreck on the inside. They must have been in so much pain. Or they were tired of dealing with the struggle of living in a world that fights back. I’m sure either way, it was exhausting.
I get the motivation. I’d be lying if I said it never crossed my mind. When I was younger, I struggled with my identity. I worried about what others thought of me or who I was supposed to become. Many times, I found myself sitting in darkness. Surrounded by nothing more than my thoughts and the void of loneliness. The numbness; crying out at night, craving to feel anything at all. I thought it was an insurmountable hurdle and I didn’t know how to escape.
Now, I can acknowledge suicide as something that exists in the world as a choice other people make. It doesn’t feel relevant to me anymore. . . Even as I write that, it feels like a lie. Before I came to Iceland, It never would have crossed my mind, but now things feel tentative, like a house of cards. . . It’s a little unnerving actually.
I’m scared to know how I feel.
A few hours ago, Halla and I were in the gardens working under heat of the afternoon sun. I noticed her crying a couple rows down from me, so I stood up and walked toward her to see if she was ok. When I crouched in front of her, she waved me off and whispered something to herself. I didn’t understand what she said, but I got the hint. I doubt she was angry with me, it felt so out of character. I went back to where I left off and started working. A few minutes later, Aldan stopped by on his way home to let me know that they’re going to need my help on the boat. Without looking up, I nodded and said “ok”.
It seems like the cracks are beginning to show.