I stared at my laptop for quite some time today, hoping to call Oki. . . and yet I found myself unable to. I mean, I could have. The cursor was over the icon but I didn’t click. I couldn’t. I decided to check-in via email instead and ended up lying to her about the internet connection. I said it wasn’t very good and I was lucky to even get this email out. I don’t know why. I mean, I do know why. I don’t enjoy admitting to myself that I’m not as good as I perceive myself to be.
I hate arguing. I guess every couple does, but I hate it to the point that I sabotage conversations to get out of it. If we’re on the phone, I’ll say that I’m running out of service, if we’re at home, I’ll have to go to the bathroom. I’m sure she knows what’s going on and I know it’s not healthy. For me, time is the only thing that will heal things, more than talking it out. It allows me to get perspective on everything. But that’s the issue, right? Time helps me. She might need something different. How am I barely figuring this out? I should call.
This feels a lot like a stalemate. Neither of us is willing to give in and call the other person. I’d feel a lot worse if Azami was old enough to comprehend things, but she’s so young, I doubt she’ll miss me too much.