I’m sitting at a coffee shop in downtown Reykjavik, watching the news while the world crumbles around me. The Middle East is arguing with Russia about oil. The US and China are maneuvering they’re last few chess pieces, preparing for a ground war. And Africa stands on the world stage, pleading for help to an empty theater. Maybe it’s time for the world to burn.
I arrived late last night, but woke up early because I couldn’t sleep. I stayed in bed, sitting in muffled silence, staring at the ceiling. I hate silence. Not the type of silence you find in a sleepy town, or camped under a starry sky. But the type of silence you find when you’re all alone, left to drown in your own thoughts. . .thoughts that you’d rather not deal with. The type of silence that amplifies emotions. And you’re left feeling like your world is falling apart.
I guess I don’t think it’s a bad thing to go swimming around sometimes. It’s nice to try and get a look at how you’re doing and It helps put things in perspective. For me though, it depends on what my current mental state is, and how Oki and I are doing.
I left the hostel around 4 am this morning. Crawling from my bed, I packed my duffel and crept out the door. It didn’t take long to walk past the beautiful Nordic church that sits a top the hill and down to the wharf. I sat on a bench and watched as a large tanker made it’s way from the port, out into the great and black expanse. Behind me, a town wakes from its slumber. Narrow streets begin to come to life as people rustle around in their beds, waking up next to loved ones. My thoughts turned to Oki and I started looking through photos of her on my phone.
Usually I’m a non-confrontational person. I hate fighting, but I had a hard time seeing where she was coming from. Why was she mad? All I ever want to do is help provide for a family that I love. And that is what this job is. Me providing.
Lie.
I’m lying to myself. I wish my parents had explained how difficult marriage was. Her anger caught me off guard and I know I didn’t respond well. I should call her. What time is it? Is she awake?
This place is distracting. The weather is so pleasant. Springtime was definitely a good idea. Is it usually this nice? I don’t think it is.
What’s so hard for me, is that part of me thinks that I’m not wrong, and another part of me knows that I am. Oki is right. I am a selfish person and I came here because I needed to get away from everything, but why is that wrong?! I still love my family. I needed a break and I used this as an excuse. What can I do? I can’t go home. I should call Oki. I wonder if she’s still mad at me. I’m sure she doesn’t want to talk, or she’s busy. I’ll try her tomorrow.
The bus showed up anyway. I’m excited to see how things have changed since I was here last.